The following entry contains explicit language. Reader’s discretion is advised.
Context: I continued the rare spiritual practice of tapping into the deep & ancient mythological-astronomical aspect of my Self. I wasn’t aware at the time that it would begin to excavate and release all things within that were no longer serving me.
I was absolutely NOT ready for this kind of work in my early twenties, as you will probably glean from the following entries. This practice is not for the faint of heart, and one must be psychologically prepared for it.
I feel a stronger sense of preparedness now, however, still not entirely sure if I should go down this path once more. You, dear reader, will be the first to know if I do :)
Fuck! Again, I feel terrible… It seems like every time I get turned down by someone I’m trying to get into One24, I start to lose it. Literally, I feel like losing it today. I’m not even wearing my pendant and I can feel all the shit that’s coming up I thought I never had. What is going on?
Had thoughts about which path is better: spiritual or non-spiritual, calculated, strict, organized, structured? Red or Blue? [context below]
An idea came to me that most spiritual people are relying on their God(s) to change their lives. They pray, meditate and hope that change will come by itself [me included at that time].
No, we have to DO something in order to get ahead. Hard work seems to be the law here. Should I focus more on doing rather than meditating, praying, hoping? Should I be more Green and Blue?
I think I absolutely should, although right now I have no idea how that works. All my life I’ve been more Yellow than anything else.
Context: I believe I had done some work with Myers-Briggs or Personality Type Coding at that time, hence the reference to color as it pertains to someone’s behavior. I don’t exactly recall where I picked up this concept, but what I found during present research seems to make sense as it aligns to this entry: https://www.colorcode.com/about/
Why do gay people love show tunes so much?! Pisses me off right now that Robert is blasting his TV again with some old fucking musical movie when he KNOWS that I’m right next door!
Man, never before have so many things pissed me off like these days. Prior to this, I just let it go. Or did I internalize? [I ABSOLUTELY DID] Where does all this rage and anger come from? [Childhood]
Right now I have one of these moments where I wish I was normal. A normal guy with a normal job, a normal girlfriend and a normal circle of friends, who does normal, age-appropriate things like going to clubs and in general just live a normal life of a 23-year old… [No, thanks! As “normal” is simply a synonym for “mind-controlled” these days]
First of all, I don’t even know who I am! I thought I knew who I was over the span of the last 1 ½ years but since Eduardo left, I really didn’t do anything productive until like 2-3 months ago.
Why is it so fucking difficult? I don’t even know what to believe anymore…
I don’t have proof for anything except when I sit down and start this new spiritual practice that a weird energy surrounds me. What do I know for sure?
Here’s what I really want: I want to have 80 billion dollars so I can buy anything I want, anytime I want! I want to have multiple houses all around the world and at the most beautiful spots. I want to be loved by all people and want to make movies and give autographs. I want to be able to throw fucking HUGE and wild and crazy parties with lots of drugs, strippers and hookers. I want to feel like a King! I want to feel powerful and mighty. I want people to trust me and believe in me. I want to be able to fuck any women I want!
A perfect description of the ego’s ultimate goal, isn’t it? To be absolutely engulfed by and attached to materialism and perpetuate self-destructive animalistic downward dominance. If I had 80 billion today, I would build intentional, self-sufficient Earthship communities and animal sanctuaries. Feels like an improvement, right? :-)
I want to fucking STOP being a pussy, wussy, boyish, nerdish idiot! And be The Man!
I want to destroy something! Like shoot RPGs at something or have a freakin’ loaded helicopter and just bombard something.
I want to live out my rage and anger!
I want to beat the shit out of Tyler [one of my mom’s ex-boyfriends. More on him soon]! Bitchslap Greta [my aunt who often hurt our family in various underhanded ways. I forgave her after she had passed, realizing that she was merely acting out her own childhood trauma]!
I want to have a fucking BIG ASS yacht, load it up with bitches and drugs and take a trip!
I want to have a fighter spaceship and explore the galaxy and find and befriend new life forms.
And I want my fucking parents together! Get over all the shit that you both don’t like about each other and be happy again! Dad, divorce Suyin!
Ah, now we’re getting to the root cause of this outburst, aren’t we? Suyin is the new Asian wife my father married after my parents screamingly broke up when I was 11. Needless to say, it left a gaping wound within me, as it must for any child who had to bear witness to such a sudden rupture in one’s early and innocent reality. I have healed much of this wound over the past few years, mostly thanks to guided plant medicine ceremonies, yet I feel there’s still some work to be done. And for the record, we have all accepted Suyin now into our family and have good relationships.
Now I feel empty.
Just a feeling of “whatever,” depression and helplessness.
You know, after all this bullshit… this new spiritual practice puts me through the dark depths of my soul but for some reason I want to stick with it.
Somehow it feels like that I shouldn’t give this up.
I think I’m going crazy and can’t believe I’m torturing myself like this but at some subconscious level it feels right.
Sadness…
Real Estate? …
Should I go more into Real Estate? Jade [Asterian astrologer] said that it will work in my favor, so in order to make billions of dollars I will have to become successful in Real Estate, right?
I WANT TO BE A WINNER!
Revisiting these pages now, I can hear my Inner Child scream out for help at that time. I felt so lost. So adrift. Knowing that I had much more potential and strength that I wasn’t allowing myself to realize. I didn’t know how much I had to heal. I was seeing the world, and myself, through the stained glasses of existential fear and pain.
10 years later, I finally began taking those glasses apart…