Quite interesting. Robert [my roommate at the time] left for a week to go to New York. I have the apartment for myself.
So far, I have had a night full of smoking pot, playing Fallout 3 and drinking beer [a coping mechanism and habit I now realize was to suppress my fears of being alone and facing the trapped emotions from my childhood, a concept I explore deeper in Addiction, Emotions & Love].
Today, I got up, made breakfast and played again until I had to get ready to leave for a friend’s surprise party. Not really productive but I envisioned these events to come upon me and here they were.
This habit continued even well into my adult years and marriage. When I knew in advance that I would have the house for myself, I would plan out and prepare, in great detail, my bouts of self-destructive behavior. When I was finally alone, I would play video games, eat junk, smoke pot and get drunk. When my roommate/family would come back home, I would pretend that everything was fine, and even lie about what I did during their absence.
I realize now that living this slacker life is absolutely something I have to let go of. It’s not what I came here for.
Yeah, yeah… big talk, no walk!
I read some of the previous pages and realized that I’m very good with words but not with action.
It’s time to become a man! Once and for all!
Little did I know how much work that would entail...
Next Entry
[The following entry contains an abundance of explicit content. Reader’s discretion is advised]
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to As A Man Awaketh to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.