I realized that I have to be more patient. I expect everything; every affirmation, every manifestation and wish to happen instantly. Some will take several years! All I have to do is relax and enjoy life, do my wishes and expect miracles to happen. Don’t anticipate, though.
Author’s note: I think I learned the difference between “expectation” and “anticipation” from Wayne W. Dyer’s book “Inspiration.” Later down the line, I also came across the same concept through Bob Proctor’s work. Expectation is a knowing, a confidence, a trust – if you will – in the Universe. You do your affirmation work, let go of the result and just trust that it will happen at the perfect timing. Whereas anticipation has your desired timing attached to it and attempts to force the Universe into your conscious plans… which, naturally, never works out.
Everything happens in perfect harmony with the Universe. Nothing is too soon or too late. All is governed by the All-Knowing and Creating Source.
Relax & Enjoy!
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Just got out of Rob’s class [one of my acting teachers at that time]. Alex [my Australian friend and fellow actor] and I did a scene from “In Bruges,” which we will perform for the next agent showcase.
Every time before this [during rehearsals], I’ve always felt that something was missing but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.
Well, Rob told me. It is me. He gave me a lot of notes and I realized how bad my acting had become. I think I only got 10% of the whole potential of the scene.
I need to study more! Fuck XBOX! Fuck PC games! READ READ READ and STUDY!!!
I am happy to report that now in 2023, after 25 years, I have finally overcome my video game addiction. I refused to often acknowledge how detrimental it was for my life, productivity, creativity and how it negatively impacted my relationships, too. As an example: During one Christmas eve, I pretended to be sick so I didn’t have to go to our family dinner, stayed home and played for the whole night. I was already a married adult at that time... Video game addiction is something that is barely talked about, yet it can be just as disruptive and destructive as substance abuse [yeah, it’s a mainstream piece and the issue is certainly more complex. Read the video’s comments for more nuanced viewpoints]. I often combined the two, smoking weed and/or drinking alcohol while gaming for hours without end. Sometimes through the whole night. I used to have whole weekends of such abuse with friends. We thought it was the coolest thing.
If you or someone you love is struggling with video game addiction, there is help and plenty of resources available. THIS is a good article and GameQuitters have some great resources. There are also organizations such as Gamer-Anon and GAA that can assist you or your loved one to regain life and sanity.
Today, I know that I used video games to distract myself from my own fragmented self-identity, which produced existential fear and anxiety about life itself. It took a lot of courage and professional plant medicine assistance to face, resolve and re-integrate those fragments of myself. Those journeys will be shared in greater depth, too.
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Context: My mom visited me at the end of my first year in Los Angeles for a few weeks. It was a mixed bag of emotions that came up for me. I didn’t know at the time what was really going on, and so – as usual – buried those emotions back where my subconscious ego wanted them.
Since my mom arrived, I’ve been feeling this weird tranquility. It wasn’t like the brain fog I have every once in a while, although it felt similar to it.
It felt kinda good although my mind wasn’t actually in the earthly realm and the present moment. It was OK, though. I just wished I could’ve stayed in and enjoyed the moment more.
After a couple of days, I found out that the moon was just before ending a full cycle, which actually affects water even more than during a full moon. So, I guess that was the reason I felt that way for those days.
Nope, it wasn’t. That was just another attempt of the mind/ego to give away my power to an outside force and sweep the root cause of the issue back deep into the subconscious. I know now that emotional symptoms coming to the surface like this – especially when triggered by family – are an opportunity to look deeper within. My relationships with family et al. will be explored in much greater depth throughout these journals, however, here’s a question I can leave you with to ponder right now:
How did your mother’s and father’s decision-making process shape who you are today?
If you feel brave, sit with this question for a while. You will probably be shocked at what surfaces.
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REALIZATIONS:
1. We are so small
2. Love is the most important thing
After I dropped my mom off at the airport and drove home, I, of course was feeling sad and missed her already very much. But I had two massive epiphanies in my car.
When I was driving, I was suddenly looking at the sky and could feel and see the all-encompassing power and presence of God and the Universe.
While I was feeling all of this, I realized that we (humans [today, I would say mankind because of the vastly differing legal definitions for these terms]) are so small. We’re magnificent and beautiful beings but we’re so small. We are so small! All of our problems and hurdles or anything that we think is hard is so unimportant.
I was laughing out loud and imitating people who think they’re important like presidents or the New World Order.
We are nothing compared to the infinity of the Universe. I mean, we all choose to come here for a reason and to help certain people, if not the entire human race [mankind], but all I’m saying is that when we think that a problem etc. is “so big” – it’s actually nothing.
Now I get what Wayne W. Dyer said in his book.
From that point, I came to my second epiphany: Love is the most important thing in the world.
Everything else is just moonshine!