Because there is no time

Journal entries around May 2013

This last week of May, I had yet another video-game, manic-obsessive-fueled indulgence.

This time with Red Faction: Guerrilla.

What can I say? It IS a drug. It is an addiction.

Still coming down from my last gaming session... 2 days ago.

Anyway, I started my “self-improvement mode” again, where I make a mental note of what to do better based on every day lessons I learn.

Yet, the last two days have been somewhat on the depressive side. [Makes sense when you’re an addict coming down from a drug.]

This morning, though, we had a quickie and it set the mood for the day: energetic, funny, joyful.

We both noticed – again – that going without intimacy for several days really has a detrimental effect on both of our moods.

I want to lead a more authentic life, show people what I think and believe in. Listen deeply to my intuition and heart; show more responsibility for my life and finally start working on my purpose. [Little did I know at the time that I would have to face my own shadows many years later to finally begin living this way.]

Next Entry

Going forward, I will utilize my journal to also keep track of my progress in cultivating and strengthening my psychic intelligence.

I don’t recall the context here, however, it feels as though this was some form of exercise or meditation where you go back into your past and examine the people and situations that may have hurt you when you expressed your “supernatural” gifts or attempts.

I can’t really say if I was ridiculed for sharing dreams or visions of the future by a parent or a teacher.

It wouldn’t have been my mom. Just now, however, I got a flash feeling that my dad laughed at me when I shared something with him and it hurt me. [That’s very possible.]

Then, I got an intuitive hit that [my elementary school teacher] Mrs. Schleicher did something like that as well, but it wasn’t in front of the whole class – I see only 2-3 classmates.

Schleicher created a special after-school activities program for the “hyper-active kids” in our class, which included me. It was basically detention, but outdoors and often included long walks in the nearby forest, so we would have a chance to expel our excess energy before going home. Certainly better than being pumped full of Ritalin...

I definitely feel that Nick [my bully classmate] made fun of me once I shared a prediction. When it didn’t come true, his bullying got worse.

My aunt and uncle disrespected my unique views and ideas – many times. My music, my haircut, my clothes, my behavior, my eating habits, the words I use, the sports I practice, my heroes, my idols, my choices.

They often made me feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Nick, Jerry, aunt, uncle, my dance instructor, dad…

I felt either sad, angry, frustrated, alienated, lonely, rejected or a combination of those. Definitely made me feel like an outsider, especially in school.

Can I choose to react differently now? Yes.

I created limiting beliefs from those experiences: “I can’t do it” / “I won’t do it anymore, if they’re gonna be so mean” / “It’s not a manly thing to do” / “It’s a girlie thing” / “I’m not a psychic” / “I’m weak” / “I need to please them so they leave me alone” / “My dad doesn’t love me” [not only that… turns out it goes way deeper than that. More on that in future posts] / “Maybe I’m crazy…”

NO! These beliefs don’t f***ing serve me anymore.

Christ, I never knew I had all of these...

They are in fact very harmful for my life and now more things than ever make sense to me.

Interestingly enough, I am currently going through a period where my psychic abilities are coming back online, as I continuously face more of my shadow wounding.

Never seizes to amaze me how the timing of these old journal entries often coincide with the present…

“Because there is no time,” I can hear my shamanic mentor say. However, now I will not let anyone stop me from exploring my gifts and talents. I have denied and suppressed my true nature for too long.

We all have.

I gathered all my negative feelings, beliefs and energies that I’ve had accumulated from those experiences, blew them all into a colorful imaginary balloon, tied it, released it and watched it ascend towards the sky.

I said multiple times out loud: “I release all negativity.”

Feel a pound or two lighter now.